American

Father: Look at my new lawn mower! Do you want to sit on it? I am going to ride it to get cigarettes!

[Note: He is not a smoker.]

Me: You are really awkward.

Father: I am American.

Later...

Me: I'm going to get a haircut. Do you have any input to offer?

Mother: What input? You have chicken hair. Just tell them to give you shorter chicken hair.